Hazing? Never heard of it. Fraternities these days shower their pledges with presents and dandelions. It’s very cute to say the least. But hey, don’t take my word for it. Wikipedia tells all: hazing is a term used to describe various rituals and other activities involving harassment, abuse or humiliation as a way of initiating a person into a group. Fuck yea, now that’s what I’m talking about. It’s a right of passage, and as a pledge, you sign yourself up for it. With that said, there shouldn’t be anything to complain about. You wanted it, so you got it. Pledges eventually learn their place in life, but there are too many celebrity assholes that are in need of a solid dose of pledgeship. Hazing? Yes, please. The more, the merrier. Here are a few names that made the shit list.
Hazing is an art, and a tailored passion that develops over time. Your first experience hazing a pledge is like making love for the first time. It’s awkward, but practice makes perfect. A brother will begin with the small stuff, everything from yelling to throwing food. Once you develop your taste, making a pledge your eternal bitch in life will become a formality. Why the hell is hazing frowned upon? If anything, society should embrace it. Hazing puts people in their place, preparing them for the real world. You think you’ll be your own boss right out of college? Fuck no: you’ll be somebody’s bitch for a few years. Pledgeship prepares you for that. If only a few celebrity douchebags could take a vacation to southern fraternity life. It would do them a great deal of good.
Those who need to get hazed in the real world:
JimRome (Jim Rome Is Burning, ESPN): what a cocky asshole. Those who believe to be greater than the rest need to be put in their place. Who the fuck “burns” on topics anyways? He’s so cool. The word on the street is that his TV personality doesn’t stray far from his true personality. Fuck him. I’d love to see his sorry ass in pledge attire.
TerrellOwens (What team is he on now?): he talks more shit than any other football player. Is he old? Yes. Can he catch? No. How many teams has he been on? Enough said. A little hazing would do the trick. You think T.O. would survive a day of pledgeship at a black fraternity? He’d be tweeting his way back home to mommy and daddy. Biggest bitch on this list.
LindsayLohan (jail?): her little badass persona made her decently hot for a few years, I’ll give her that much respect. Throw in the busted mug shots, violated parole and overdoses of cocaine, and you’ve lost all respect. If there’s such thing as sorority hazing, she needs all she can get. If jail doesn’t do her any good, I’m sure pledgeship would.
O.J. Simpson(driving a Bronco): do I really need to explain?
JohnMcEnroe (tennis): you know you’re a jackass when you’re nickname is “Super Brat”. He was a big enough tool to think we’d all want to watch him on TV. His talk show, profoundly titled McEnroe, was canceled after five months (and twice received a 0.0 Neilson rating). Thata boy, keep up the good work. I’d love to make him my bitch.
Nicole Richie & Paris Hilton (on a yacht somewhere): almost as bad as Lindsay Lohan. Being rich is hot, and I’d do dirty things to jump on that bandwagon. But, they strut their shit as if they’re untouchable. Again, if girls could get hazed, I’d love to see it happen.
KanyeWest(rapper): ever heard of Taylor Swift? Yea, she might be the hottest, cutest, most talented singer out there. I’m a frat guy, and I’m not afraid to admit that. But no, you’re Kanye West, and you can steal the spotlight from anybody. Go fuck yourself. You and T.O. can be pledge brothers. Getting the shit beat out of you would be quite the start.
MelGibson (actor): your movies are fucking awesome, but man do you fuck up in the real world. Give it a rest with your racist/sexist bullshit. You’d be the first to get hazed, and with every comment that comes out of your mouth, it would just get worse. You’d have some pretty badass costumes for socials though. Braveheart anybody?
That’s just scratching the surface. Hazing is an American past time. Every sports team does it, workplaces have it, and fraternities embrace it. It’s about time we pull the jackasses out of the real world and send them back to pledgeship. Don’t you agree?
It’s not hazing. It’s brotherhood.