As brothers, we’d all love to have Hooters girls driving us around, serving us dinner and getting hardcore hazed. And in this case, sexually hazed. Well, we can’t all win the lottery now can we? Society has been pretty generous to keep fraternities and pledgeship around for the time being, so we won’t be too picky. Once you get over the fact that 18-year-old freshman guys are the main demographic, you start to let go of your dream in which all pledges are female porn stars. No, a pledge won’t blow you (like a porn star pledge would), but at least you won’t feel guilty throwing shit at him. But hey, not all pledges are equal. Without a doubt, there is an ideal pledge. Actually, there are a few types to choose from.
Ideal Pledge # 1: The Bitch Pledge
Every pledge class has one. He’s the definition of The Overachieving Pledge. He’s the most mind-fucked pledge of them all. He’ll be at every function right on time, work his ass off no matter what, and won’t bitch at all. When he’s getting hazed, he takes it without an attitude. His pledge attire is flawless, and he wears the letters well. He’s a bitch because he’s perfect. No frat guy can be perfect, hence the bitch title. But you know what I’m talking about. He makes the rest of his pledge class look like shit because he does everything right. He knows his fraternity history better than anybody else. As a brother, when you actually need something done, you call him. He’ll run to you if need be. He’s ideal because he saves your ass. When you’re debating whether to raw-dog that slampiece from the bar, he’ll have a condom in your hand in less than 5 minutes. It’s just what he does, and he’s good at it.
Ideal Pledge # 2: The Chill Pledge
Every pothead needs a fellow pothead. Smoking weed by yourself is as good as fucking a pillow, it’s just not the real thing. The chill pledge is down to do whatever, and whenever. He’s constantly getting smoked out, and pretty much useless as a pledge (he’s always high). No brother wants to fuck with him since he’s too damn cool to mess with. When he does get hazed, he doesn’t really give a fuck. The future doesn’t mean anything to him, and he likes it that way. Whether or not his pledge class is unified or fucks up all the time, he doesn’t give a shit. He’s an ideal pledge because his personality is fucking awesome. He’s a chill bro, and that’s why we like him. He makes even the laziest jerk-offs look productive.
Ideal Pledge # 3: The Fired-Up Pledge
Every frat star needs an apprentice, someone who’s going to fill the role of house alcoholic, eminent box killer or supreme hazer. Pledgeship can be looked at as a semester-long application process. You’re being evaluated on who you’re going to be once you become a brother. Are you going to be the guy with the highest GPA (douchebag), or the guy who can shotgun a beer fastest (bro)? The most fired-up pledge is the pledge who’s hammered at all times. Handle pulls, funnels and tequila shots encompass his pledging career. When pledgeship gets tough, he drinks even harder. He’s known for his ability to hold his liquor, party the hardest and fuck the most. He’s a partier, and a modern age male gigalo. If he’s not challenging brothers to shotgun a beer, he’s pounding some chick on the couch. He’s an ideal pledge because he’s exactly what your fraternity needs: a bro. He’s your apprentice, and the exact pledge you wish you could have been.
The ideal pledge can change depending on what you’re looking for. Some frats want the kid who’s going to fuck everything that moves, while others want a pledge that chugs muscle milk and benches 300 on the reg. I think we can all agree that the bitch pledge, chill pledge and fired-up pledge are the most common, and most useful types in a pledge class. They get shit done, fire us up and chill us out. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still rather have freshman sluts running errands for me and serving me dinner, but hey, let’s leave the bitching for the pledges. In the end, pledgeship sucks, no matter what type of pledge you are.
It’s not hazing. It’s brotherhood.