Now let’s face it, we’re all in college and we all don’t really give a fuck about getting shit done. That’s self-explanatory. If you’ve ever pledged a frat, or have any intention to do so, let’s just say that your GPA isn’t your primary concern. I’m not hating, I’m congratulating. But hey, there comes a time when laziness just doesn’t cut it. And when you’re in the middle of pledgeship, being that guy will win you a basket full of shit. To get to the point, there’s always the pledge that does absolutely nothing. Whether he feels entitled to a cakewalk pledgeship, or he’s just an honest-to-god lazy-ass, each pledge class has one. The duties of pledgeship are relatively universal. Whether you’re reading this for education or pure pleasure, you’ve got to have some idea of what a pledge does. Designated driving, cleaning the house, serving dinner, running errands, getting hazed… The list really never ends. No matter how large or small your pledge class is, these duties of pledgeship are distributed evenly. As a pledge, you’re going to drive one night, and serve dinner the next. The concept is unity: when the pledges work together, their life becomes (slightly) easier. Well, sometimes.
In walks Mr. Lazyass: the cool kid who gets high on the reg, blows off classes and doesn’t give a shit about pledgeship. He knows he’s going to be a brother eventually, but doesn’t feel compelled to earn his way in. On nights where he’s the designated driver, he gets hammered or high. If dinner is at 6, he walks in as they’re finishing. If a mandatory cleaning session of the house is early in the morning, you better believe his alarm clock isn’t set. Do his pledge brothers trust him? Is Paris Hilton a virgin? Fuck no.
The brotherhood keeps track, and they know who’s the highest on their shit list. Punishment? Oh, in time. When the real hazing picks up, Mr. Lazyass will be the test dummy. His own pledge class will assign him the worst jobs and worst times to do them. The grand finale comes during Hell Week. When he hasn’t slept or eaten in days, no mercy will be shown. He’ll regret every lazy moment in the past few months. So don’t worry overachievers, the pledge who does nothing will have his moment of judgment. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Don’t be the worst, and don’t be the best. Pledgeship is about survival. Hide in the middle. Be seen, but don’t be picked out of the crowd. It’s solid advice: take it or leave it.
It’s not hazing. It’s brotherhood.